As we peel back the layers of family dynamics, our unexpected solo journey today leads us through the uncharted territories of aging parents, the silent battles of hidden pregnancies, and the resilience that blooms in adversity's soil. The absence of our planned guest Brittany ushers in a raw and intimate exploration of the complexities that shape our human experience. From the personal tales of emergency hospital visits that leave us gasping with worry to the eerie silence that follows a community's harsh judgment, we traverse the emotional landscape that many dare not speak of, revealing the cost of maintaining peace and the courage it takes to face the inevitable march of time.
Venturing into the realm of spirituality and the labyrinth of fate without a guide poses its own set of challenges. The roads we travel are paved with stories of hardship, the search for meaning amidst loss, and the inner conflict of reconciling deeply rooted beliefs with personal convictions. This episode cradles the delicate balance between respecting the unseen forces at play and taking accountability for the paths we carve out for ourselves. We confront the often painful process of growth through adversity, all the while wrestling with the pangs of doubt and the silent prayers that hang heavy in the air.
As we draw this episode to a close, it becomes clear that trauma indeed bears a hefty price tag—not just emotionally but financially as well. Yet, within these shared confessions and reflections, we unearth strategies to manage and transcend the burden it places upon our shoulders. We wrap you in stories that serve as a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, reinforcing the mantra that guides us: "count the cost and make the change." Thank you for sharing this space with us, for the courage you bring to your own stories, and for joining us in the quest to transform pain into progress.
#FamilyDynamics #AgingParents #HiddenPregnancies #Resilience #Adversity #RawExploration #Complexities #HumanExperience #EmergencyVisits #Worry #CommunityJudgment #EmotionalLandscape #MaintainingPeace #Courage #TimeMarchesOn #Spirituality #Fate #Hardship #Meaning #Loss #InnerConflict #UnseenForces #PersonalConvictions #GrowthThroughAdversity #SilentPrayers #Trauma #PriceTag #FinancialBurden #Resilience #HumanSpirit #Transformation #PainIntoProgress #CourageousStories #TheseFukkenFeelingsPodcast #TraumaIsExpensive
As we peel back the layers of family dynamics, our unexpected solo journey today leads us through the uncharted territories of aging parents, the silent battles of hidden pregnancies, and the resilience that blooms in adversity's soil. The absence of our planned guest Brittany ushers in a raw and intimate exploration of the complexities that shape our human experience. From the personal tales of emergency hospital visits that leave us gasping with worry to the eerie silence that follows a community's harsh judgment, we traverse the emotional landscape that many dare not speak of, revealing the cost of maintaining peace and the courage it takes to face the inevitable march of time.
Venturing into the realm of spirituality and the labyrinth of fate without a guide poses its own set of challenges. The roads we travel are paved with stories of hardship, the search for meaning amidst loss, and the inner conflict of reconciling deeply rooted beliefs with personal convictions. This episode cradles the delicate balance between respecting the unseen forces at play and taking accountability for the paths we carve out for ourselves. We confront the often painful process of growth through adversity, all the while wrestling with the pangs of doubt and the silent prayers that hang heavy in the air.
As we draw this episode to a close, it becomes clear that trauma indeed bears a hefty price tag—not just emotionally but financially as well. Yet, within these shared confessions and reflections, we unearth strategies to manage and transcend the burden it places upon our shoulders. We wrap you in stories that serve as a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, reinforcing the mantra that guides us: "count the cost and make the change." Thank you for sharing this space with us, for the courage you bring to your own stories, and for joining us in the quest to transform pain into progress.
#FamilyDynamics #AgingParents #HiddenPregnancies #Resilience #Adversity #RawExploration #Complexities #HumanExperience #EmergencyVisits #Worry #CommunityJudgment #EmotionalLandscape #MaintainingPeace #Courage #TimeMarchesOn #Spirituality #Fate #Hardship #Meaning #Loss #InnerConflict #UnseenForces #PersonalConvictions #GrowthThroughAdversity #SilentPrayers #Trauma #PriceTag #FinancialBurden #Resilience #HumanSpirit #Transformation #PainIntoProgress #CourageousStories #TheseFukkenFeelingsPodcast #TraumaIsExpensive
Hello there, brave souls, welcome to Trauma is Expensive, with your host, Micah Bravery. Here we don't just talk about trauma, we count the cost and we make the change. With every episode, we dive deep into the heart of trauma, its implications and the resilient transformations it can ignite, through conversations, insights, real stories and unflinching honesty. This podcast is here to empower every survivor to turn their pain into progress. So let's take a journey together as we understand, confront and finally heal. Welcome to wwwtraumasexpensivecom, your platform for change. Now let's get started.
Speaker 2:Hey everyone, it's me. Crystal from Trauma is Expensive. I'm here with the host, micah.
Speaker 3:Micah, the hostess with the mostess, and hopefully I'll never be a ghost. That was kind of funny. So we actually are in the studio.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:And we were scheduled to record a podcast, but of course life happens right. So our guest had to take her mom to the hospital. Brittany, we wish you and your mom all the best. We're praying for you guys and we hope it's nothing too serious. And she just got a paper cut, right, because y'all know how many times I had to take my mama to the hospital. That shit be scary, right. Yeah, have you had to do like take your mom to the hospital a lot?
Speaker 2:Not my parents, because they never really went to the hospital. I mean, my mom had all her pregnancies and she literally had them like. She called the local board, she like, like. So I can remember when she had my brother Matthew. Um, she had her old pregnancy and she ended up telling me, like when she was almost, you never went to the doctors. She ended up telling me when she was almost, who never went to the doctors? The last minute she had said to me I'm having a baby. If it's a boy, if dad asks you, what do you want to name it, say this. The day she went to go get paint for a car and she, I guess, on the way she felt like she was in labor. So she went to the hospital instead. My dad had no clue that she was pregnant. That is crazy. Every single one of us were hidden, besides my brother, mikey. Why?
Speaker 3:though.
Speaker 2:I think my brother.
Speaker 3:Mikey no, no, why did she hide? Do we know why she hid? I guess we don't have to tell her no, no, no, no.
Speaker 2:I'm sure it was the fear of what my father would say. My dad has 16 kids, wow.
Speaker 3:So I think that it was more of what would he say. So in a way, she was protecting her children.
Speaker 2:She was protecting I think she was protecting an argument, because she didn't want to.
Speaker 3:So she was just keeping the peace by keeping the pregnancy a secret. She was like I'm keeping peace in my household or whatever peace I can.
Speaker 2:But I think that I learned that off of her because I had my first pregnancy.
Speaker 3:I don't even know bitch, so what people just thought you was getting fat, though.
Speaker 2:Well, I wore extra clothes, so I would wear a sweater underneath a t-shirt.
Speaker 3:No, though, because I feel like you skinny. I feel like I would have known I would have been behind your back, being those two bitches talking about you. Like this bitch pregnant, she think we don't know she pregnant, her ass is pregnant. I would have been talking about you. Now. Your mom, though. Is she? How old is your mom?
Speaker 2:How old is she? I think she's 57 now.
Speaker 3:Okay, so that's how I's going to kill me for saying her age. So I think you still got a good 10 more years before you're having to start rushing your mom into the hospital. It's just scary. It's like once they get up in the age, it's like you never, I don't know. I get scared about like is this ever the time?
Speaker 2:Right, I mean, but even the age, which I honestly don't even know if that's how, because I only remember my mom as 27. I did it too, she told me she was 27 forever my mom was 36. So I lost track.
Speaker 3:And it wasn't even that my mom told me. I used to tell people they'd be like how old is your mom? I'm like 36. So I was like one of those people who, like my classmates and stuff, always had a crush on my mom.
Speaker 2:Was she the youngest mom?
Speaker 3:She wasn't the youngest mom, so we grew up in like a black and white area. I spoke on that before and I think my mom is Puerto Rican and looks very Puerto Rican. So I think it was just the exotic factor of her, okay, that people found her beautiful because she was different. You know, she had like long curly hair and then, um, her eyes are like mine, they're hazel, so they change color so and then she's olive skin, you know, like kind of olive weak.
Speaker 3:She's not green, I promise I knew what you meant I don't even know what color I was trying to say and why olive came out. My mama got olive skin, so you should talk about the smoothness, right. But she was that's a good one, right. She was smooth, like a buttery olive, but she had, like that, like a darker complexion, right, and so people always found her exotic. So, like I had to hear a lot of nasty jokes about my mom growing up, you know. But I remember once, like I got older and people be like how old is your mom? I'm like 36. And and. But I remember once, like I got older and people be like how old is your mom? I'm like 36.
Speaker 1:And it's like how old is your mom?
Speaker 3:36. Always 36. Someone asked me that it was like I feel like she been 36 for like the last five years.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I think it's maybe the most memorable thing had happened, and that's why that number always just sticks into your head.
Speaker 3:So like, was it a good thing or a bad thing?
Speaker 2:um 26. Well, growing up, um we came from like, our house was always hectic, um, there was always drinking and stuff. Not anything that I would want now for my kids, right? Um, I mean my little brother well, he's not my little. Well, he, my little brother? Well, he's not my little brother.
Speaker 3:He is my little brother. Her father got so many kids she confused about which one of them her siblings.
Speaker 2:You know they used to VHS everything and I remember watching a VHS and he was like two years old and he's standing there and everybody's drinking and smoking cigarettes and I'm like he is. It's three o'clock in the morning.
Speaker 3:That's our generation. Like how good do we look, though? I don't see some 16 year olds look like they 48. I'm like y'all is living a little too hard out here. Like I get that we want to protest and that we want to stand up for everything, but can we take care of yourselves?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean I found my bag. I'm sorry I can cut you off, but I wanted to say that we were looking at. So I have like one of those frames. That digital frame shoots different pictures Right Of my father and they're just all pictures of my father. So when he passed away it was like, hey, everybody who has pictures of my father send them to this frame. Okay, so they like play different pictures. And it came to a picture with my brother. He was little and my father dressed like. I thought that was so funny. Ha ha, Exact outfit, Bell bottoms and everything. You hear me. You know we talking about the 70s. We was born in the 1900s, Crystal and I, but he was drinking my father's beer.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay.
Speaker 3:And I was thinking about that and I'm like my brother is the most put together person I know. You know what I'm saying. He's a firefighter. He's like really involved in church. I think his ass is going to be governor one day, or senate, or some shit like that. Can he please be president, if he ever get past his attitude problems?
Speaker 2:Maybe that will be a good thing to be governor, but he's just like no, he's like really great kids.
Speaker 3:Like you know he raised and I'm like, like maybe that's what this generation is missing. I don't know. I saw my parents have fun. Maybe it's different. For you.
Speaker 2:I mean there was a lot of abuse and stuff, as my dad always hit my mom. I mean I can remember my mom being pregnant with my little sister and you know they got in a big fight over he couldn't find his jacket. He had the jacket on the whole entire time.
Speaker 3:Oh, no, was he drunk, he was drunk.
Speaker 2:Oh okay, both of them were alcohol, like heavy drinkers, alcoholics. And, um, my mom like had us run down the street and each car we had seen we were ducking behind the cars, just in case it was my dad trying to follow us and I was, so she was pregnant with my sister. My sister is, I want to say, 34 now.
Speaker 3:So you had to be like six.
Speaker 2:So I was pretty young. I was pretty young, six or seven, and I'm pretty sure she's 34.
Speaker 3:So you saw a lot of abuse in your household.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean when she was pregnant he had grabbed her by the hair, had dragged her, you know, like stuff like that.
Speaker 3:Well, in his defense, he didn't know she was pregnant.
Speaker 2:That is true, that is true.
Speaker 3:I'm sorry, it's not funny. I've always got to be with the joker. It's not funny. No, I'm sorry. This is why people think I'm crazy. Right, I'm still healing you guys, I am still healing, I'm sorry. So, crystal and I, we find humor in our past. Yes, I feel like in order for us to survive things, we laugh about it.
Speaker 2:I guess it's like dark humor.
Speaker 3:It is dark humor, but you know it's like our coping mechanism, right? So as you listen to this, remember that you're listening to our opinions, our lives, our stories. So you know if it's triggering for you we're sorry, but we're talking about ourselves. So if you take it personal, then your psychiatrist needs to up those your medicine. Okay, no, I'm just playing, but I'm serious a little bit. So you grew up in a house with a lot of abuse.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, and I'm the oldest of six. It's me, it's my brother Eddie, my sister Kathy, nickname KK I guess a girl.
Speaker 3:You ain't got to put their business out there.
Speaker 2:And then Matthew Elvis and Mikey. Mikey is the youngest, he's the one that you know. My mom didn't tell that she was pregnant, but I also believe that she told that she was pregnant because of what happened to my firstborn on how he passed away. It was in between my brother Mikey and my brother Elvis, right. So I think that you know, she got maybe scared or you know, to make sure nothing was going to happen. And she blew up like huge.
Speaker 3:So like people too, like bitch you pregnant, Ain't no hiding there, ain't no sweating.
Speaker 2:There's no hiding in this type of thing.
Speaker 3:I like how you try to slide over the fact that you lost your first baby.
Speaker 2:That was definitely. I was 16. That was definitely a roller coaster. You know how people like getting in your business. I was on birth control, which was 99.9%, so I was. My son's name is Robert. He was at 1%. I was at 1% right Right Of Avanam, went through my whole pregnancy Like that was just some strong sperm. Right, we just want to say the sperm was strong.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:I went through my whole pregnancy. I went to, started going to the doctors, you know, I found out I thought I thought I was just was sick, but my mom just had a baby, which is my brother albus, and so I was like, what am I gonna do? Because I'm the 16 year old girl that right, you know, I was still being raised as I had to take care of my siblings because they worked all the time um and and then forward and down Like I had the whole pregnancy. There was a lot of you know things that was happening, as you know, my dad drinking and stuff. I didn't want to tell anybody. And then the abuse potential mom got yeah.
Speaker 2:Like I didn't want to tell anybody. Not that I was more scared. I guess I was scared of what they would do. Well, you were 16.
Speaker 3:You probably was scared. I guess I was scared of what they would do. Well, you were 16. You probably were scared, period.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think I was. I don't know if I was scared of what they would say or if it was. That's what I knew, right.
Speaker 3:So now the father of the baby. Is it okay to ask? Yeah, was he like in school with you or?
Speaker 2:like, yeah, so me and him had met at. We went to the same school he was younger than me.
Speaker 3:I see a myth At 16.
Speaker 2:He's younger than me and maybe that's too I mean, but we were together for quite some time.
Speaker 3:So did he know about the baby?
Speaker 2:He knew that I was pregnant and he was okay with having it In the beginning he was like I'm still really young, I were having it and um, in the beginning he was like I'm still really young, um, I'm real still really young, and I was like there's a reason I'm having this baby because I was on birth control and, um, that's a good way to look.
Speaker 3:I didn't like you just said you were like that zero, that point, zero, one percent.
Speaker 2:Right, there's a reason and there's a reason um, so that was always in my head. And then when I you know, going down to November 17th I went for another normal doctor's appointment and the dad was hanging out with his friends and I had found them and my sister was having a birthday party that day and nobody still knew I was pregnant. So when I went to the doctor's appointment, came home, they sent me to the hospital because there was like a stress test. You click on a button at the baby's heart. When you feel the baby moves, the heart rate is supposed to go up. Well, that wasn't happening. To go out, well, that wasn't happening. So I went to the home and I had told them that I had to go find this telephone game for my sister because of birthday party.
Speaker 2:I ended up going to the hospital and I was crying because I had nobody with me. I didn't know what was happening. When I went in I was all crying and the nurse had said are you okay? Are you in labor? And I was like no, I just got sent here.
Speaker 2:And, um, I'm in a room, they're handing me stuff to put on and I'm like what do I do with this? And they're like put it around your belly. And they're doing it. And nurses are coming in, they're flipping me, they're doing all this stuff and I have no clue what's happening. They're like we're about to do a C-section. I didn't know what a C-section was and I'm like what is they're like do you want me to call your mom? And I'm like no, don't call my mom. And they're like you need to deliver this baby. The heart rate's dropping. So I was just like call my mom. And they're like moving so fast. Next thing, I know I'm on the operating table and I look up and my mom is standing in the door and she's all dressed to come in, but they won't let her in. So I'm crying and um, when I could feel them putting the things down my throat, like I'm not fully asleep yet Right, right, right, that shit is crazy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I'm petrified of being put to sleep now. Um so, when I came out, I was still crying and I was inside a different, totally different room and I was still crying for my mom, right, and the nurse said that she'll be in that I I was in a recovery room or something like that and I said where's my son? And the lady turned to me and was like I'm sorry, your son didn't make it. So I start crying even harder where I was hyperventilating and my mom comes running in and she was mad at the nurse for nobody being there when she had told us. And I went through the whole thing like of you know, the whole thing of why did I even get pregnant? I was on birth control. This shouldn't be happening. There was a reason. I got pregnant, just for it to get taken away from me and I was, and that was going to be.
Speaker 2:My question was like you know, you decided to have this baby because there's a reason behind it, and then it's so it made me believe that things don't happen for a reason, um, like I don't believe things happen for a reason, because of that case.
Speaker 3:I mean, that would have been a good teacher of that, right, you know, like that situation would have been a good teacher of that. But I don't know. When people say a few things happen for a reason, my question is always whose reason? Like, who is they Like? You know, right, but um, I don't know. Sometimes I still, I say it because you know, but damn that's. I mean that's true, it's like I say here.
Speaker 2:I think it all depends on what the situation is.
Speaker 3:Maybe Well, I always think that people say things. I'm going to use the most craziest example Because I always feel like so. We all know I'm tormented when it comes to spirituality, when it comes to like religion. You know, I kind of grew up Catholic and I was tormented with people's beliefs.
Speaker 3:So even now, where I don't know whether or not I believe in God, I still worry about being disrespectful on what I say you know what I'm saying, just because there is a God and he's going to be like oh yeah, bitch, when you thought I wasn't real, this is the shit you said, right. So I mean like, but in this situation, like it drives me crazy, like in cancer, right, when I was or came out and having remission the first time, you know, I was like God is good, right, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3:Like you know, won't he do it? And I'm like he wasn't there with me. I felt the pain of this chemo. Like I always tell people, I never felt the spirit of God, and maybe I have and just don't know. But my thing is that I guess what I'm trying to say is that people like to me it's like that contradiction with everything that good happens is God and everything that bad happens is the devil. Like to me it's like I don't, you know. It's like you know everything. I worked my ass off to get this paycheck but I gotta thank God.
Speaker 3:No, I worked my ass off to get this paycheck Right, but I got to thank God.
Speaker 2:No, I worked my ass off Right, right and not saying that I shouldn't be thankful, right and trust.
Speaker 3:I have a lot of gratitude in my life, you know, but my gratitude right now is for life and not so much a God. I'm going to explain it too much. That's only because, when I tell you, I get nervous about this whole God conversation because it's like I feel like I'm going to fuck around and find out he real, and he's going to be like oh yeah, what's the shit you was saying, bitch? Because God's going to talk to me the way I talk. But anyway, sorry, back to your story, but no, it's crazy. I mean, that would have been a lesson. Things don't happen for a reason, because Because I went through.
Speaker 2:You know, I protected myself because me, as a 16 year old, I went down to put myself on birth control because I knew I wasn't ready to be a mom.
Speaker 3:But she was ready to fuck.
Speaker 2:Right, and that's a lesson no matter what you could get pregnant, you could get pregnant 80 million sperm. So, you know, I went down and I thought I was doing the right thing and then a couple months later I find out I'm pregnant. And I'm like, damn, there's a reason that I am pregnant, there's a reason and I have to keep this baby, because why would somebody?
Speaker 3:get me pregnant.
Speaker 2:Or God Like. Why would God do me pregnant? Or God Like?
Speaker 3:why would God do this Right? She was like walking around here like I'm the new Virgin Mary.
Speaker 2:And then, nine months later, take it away.
Speaker 3:Like is there a reason? And then it's like that's the harshness of it, like I carried it full term, full nine months, you know. But you know what's crazy and everybody has their right to their own opinion, but there are people that are probably listening to this saying there was a reason. Right, yes, people are probably saying that you wouldn't be who you were today if that didn't happen to you.
Speaker 2:And you know, and that is right, I think that it did bring me as a stronger person and I think I'm a better mom because of it.
Speaker 3:I think you're a better mom because of all the things you saw in your life.
Speaker 2:Right, as, like a mom, like I tell my kids everything, I want my kids to tell me everything, and I learned from that.
Speaker 3:I don't think that's because you lost.
Speaker 2:No as hiding it, because I hid it and it made me as a point where I was like, well, maybe if I didn't hide it I would have had more help.
Speaker 3:That just goes into blaming yourself. Now you're just blaming yourself. I was blaming myself a lot. We're not going to get no positive message out of blaming yourself, okay.
Speaker 2:And we can't. We can't get, we're not going to get no positive message out of blaming yourself. Okay Right, no, I'm saying it. So this was the feelings I was having. I blamed the dad, me and him ended up splitting up because we kept doing that. We were blaming each other. Like I blamed it on because he was smoking weed and he, like like it went back and forth, so we had split up. We're really we're best friends now and we still talk, oh yeah.
Speaker 3:We still talk Back it up a little bit. Your what we're like best friends? Oh, okay, you didn't say like earlier, you said we best friends, best friends.
Speaker 2:No, like no Best friends in different ways, like we talk to each other around that time, like we don't talk to each other all the time, like every single day.
Speaker 3:Girl, you ain't got to explain your friendship with people. I'm just jealous, okay, but no, really that's a dope lesson, that's like a crazy lesson, because I would you know, I kind of don't believe things happen for a reason either, because you know my story. I grew up molested and my first memory is of being molested. So it's like I don't get what reason that is, and if that is your reason, I feel like that's not a God I want to believe in.
Speaker 2:Right, like that's how I feel, too Like I. That's how I feel too, is um I? So, after I had my son, um, he had the father had um a friend and went to church and the church was in Troy somewhere and um, they had like a movie night and we watched this movie and it was about um, you can't see God. Why believe in something that you can't see? There was a lesson on it, but it was really deep. I walked out crying.
Speaker 3:That's the movie you watch in church. Why not to believe in God?
Speaker 2:No, it was more saying just because you can't see, it doesn't mean it's not there, but it was a guy like you have to believe in me because you can see me. There was a whole thing.
Speaker 3:Was the guy.
Speaker 2:Jesus, but it was basically like a guy saying you can't see God, so why believe in him? You can see me like I'm God, like believe in me, leaving me. And like I ran out of the place crying because and now to this day, if I hear about a baby or I mean anybody, like I get so emotional because I put myself into them shoes, because I was in them shoes, even though I don't know how they personally feel, because everybody's feelings are different.
Speaker 3:I was there. It's like compassion. Compassion is free. That's our slogan. Compassion is free. You don't owe nobody. No explanation for compassion, and it's cool that you have it. And that's crazy. You think about that lesson as a 16-year-old being scared. It's like you can't really talk to your parents because when they're not fighting, they're drinking, and when they're not drinking they're fighting. Right, you know. And then when they're not doing either, they're not here. Exactly you know. So it's like I can't count on them. I'm the oldest sibling.
Speaker 3:Right and my younger ones, I mean, and I also feel like I destroyed my little sister's birth eye, you know, because it was her day. Was there shame? Like did you hide pregnancy because you were ashamed that you got pregnant?
Speaker 2:I don't think I was ashamed that I got pregnant.
Speaker 3:I don't see you as a shame person. Yeah, Like whatever Bitch, I'm pregnant.
Speaker 2:I don't think that it was anything to do with that. I don't know if it was because I was scared of what they would.
Speaker 3:I don't even know if I was scared of what they would say it could just be that that's what you saw your mom do, so that's what you did.
Speaker 2:There's a reason she was scared, so I didn't think it was that.
Speaker 3:Because, you know, we learned our first lessons from our parents.
Speaker 2:Right, I mean.
Speaker 3:If she hit all her pregnancies and, of course, your first pregnancy, you're going to feel obligated. I'm not trying to say how you felt oh no, no, no, we're just saying in speculation that you know you're going to feel obligated to hide that shit too. Yeah, but right, yeah, go ask the stupid questions. But did your child live?
Speaker 2:any, or was he just born?
Speaker 3:well, from what I know, um, he was born past and, um, I was still asleep when I had. Don't ask me why that made me feel better. No, because you always like think about, like people who are like children, or like a child that's worn for like three minutes or three hours, or you know. So it's like I would have been. I probably would have known this crystal if that happened.
Speaker 2:Right. So another thing that had happened after I had had him we had haters on our block. Somebody had called CPS on me and said that they had that. I put the baby inside a closet and the baby screaming, and we have dirty diapers and condoms all over the house and lady knocked on the door. She said she wanted to see my son and I'm like, what? Like what are you talking about?
Speaker 3:Because now they're just re-bringing up. Now you got to tell somebody.
Speaker 2:Right, like what are you? Clearly, if I was using condoms, I wouldn't have dirty diapers all over, right, right, sometimes you be smart bitch, so and then I'm like who the hell would do this? Because anybody that knew us like that knew he had passed. So there was a rumor going on that I had killed him, that I had put him in a closet in. Star Pass and it was most as like. Why would I mean people do it all, sad to say, do do it.
Speaker 3:Right, it's like bullying. I mean no, not like that's what it was. You were being bullied.
Speaker 2:So the CPS lady had came and I had said my son passed away and they closed the case. But it was just like, why would somebody do that? Especially knowing me as a person, I would never do something like that, that's crazy.
Speaker 3:I feel like that's when the world started to change. That's when we started getting into this bullshit that we in now it's crazy, it's like a guy going around New York City smacking women.
Speaker 2:What the fuck.
Speaker 3:I want to know what woman made him mad. Then he going to take it out on all women Right, Like y'all. Need to calm your ass down. People have issues.
Speaker 2:And it's good issues, and you know, maybe he was, you know, beat by his mom and it could have started from there.
Speaker 3:No, no, trust me, there's always a reason behind a reason, but it doesn't. Well, there's always a reason, I said behind a reason and I said yup, but there's always a reason behind an action, but it still doesn't make the action okay.
Speaker 2:Right, you know, everybody has a mind where they should think. Right, because I think that's where we mess up.
Speaker 3:It's like we get mad and we react and like that's the pivotal moment where like things become fucked up, you know. It's like you can handle this situation, but it's crazy because you got to think about this shit in 30 seconds Like bitch almost got smacked today. Fuck, what are you going to talk about? It wasn't 13 minutes. I don't think 13 minutes.
Speaker 2:And it was that 13 minutes right out that door right.
Speaker 3:It was that pivotal point in me. It was like, ooh, I almost lost my job, but I saw me getting evicted. It was like flashing right, like a lot happened in 30 seconds. But it really made me think about like the reaction you had to stop and think about it. It's like the reaction of shit, right. So it's like, yeah, reaction of shit, right. So it's like yeah, he might have a good reason to want to smack the whole motherfucking world Right.
Speaker 3:Or should he? No, I think. So we asking the wrong question, right? Right, because you know it's like the reason or the yeah, the reason isn't the excuse, right?
Speaker 2:There.
Speaker 3:Yeah, the reason isn't the excuse.
Speaker 2:Right, there is no excuse, Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3:You know it's like if you have to have an excuse, that means that your action wasn't correct. So let's just have actions where you don't have to have excuses for.
Speaker 2:Right, and I think this goes the podcast these Fucking Feelings Today with Busy. If you watch that, she gives training methods of you know there's like five steps where she could think about and then by the time you get to that you're going to forget about smacking the person in the face, right.
Speaker 3:Because you would do that Right and then if you don't, then they just deserve to be smacked right.
Speaker 2:Rewind it. Go to 10, Matt Betts.
Speaker 3:Weak, but um.
Speaker 2:So I think that um you know every Go ahead.
Speaker 3:If you were a 16-year-old girl and you were in your footsteps and you were listening to this podcast. I do it to all the guests, right, because we never know who we're impacting. Right, give them some advice.
Speaker 2:If you were a 16-year-old girl, that is pregnant.
Speaker 3:It doesn't have to be a 16-year-old girl.
Speaker 2:Any woman, any young, young woman in your situation that is pregnant it doesn't have to be a 16 year old girl, any woman, any young woman in your situation that is pregnant, I think that they should tell somebody, find somebody that you are safe. If you don't feel safe enough to tell your parents, tell somebody, because not that it could change something, but you need that support. You need that feeling of you know that somebody else is with you and standing by you Not that his dad wasn't standing by me, but you need just. You need people, right, right and you know they can even help. You tell your parents, right can even help you tell your parents, right.
Speaker 2:And if you decide you're pregnant and you don't want that baby and there's places to bring your child, you can go to a hospital right now and you can just drop a baby, no questions asked, right. There's things out there that could help. If you don't want it, don't hurt your child.
Speaker 3:We don't want to support nothing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but bring it to the hospital, make sure you tell somebody. Tell somebody that you know that is going to help you, right? If you're scared for some reason and if you can talk to your parents, great.
Speaker 3:Right, like that's the ideal situation. Talk to your parents. I think that it's funny because we always talk about that. It takes a village to raise a child, but I think it's. I feel like we're constantly raising, you know, and in a way we're all like children because we learn every day. So it's like you should always have a village, like you just don't need it. As a child, you need a village always, you know, and it's like you should always have a village, right, like you just don't need it. As a child, you need a village always. Yeah, you know, and it's like you're right. It's like, say, you can't tell your parents, right, and there's somebody that you trust, mm-hmm. But as where I was asking Crystal to give a message and actually I just wanted to go back real quick, I was asking Crystal to give a message and actually I just wanted to go back real quick.
Speaker 3:You were talking about not hurting your child and I thought you were talking about abortions and I was like hold up, so never mind, I got you now. But I wanted to clarify to people because I thought, as you were saying, don't have a baby and hurt it. If you have a baby, there's someone that can love the baby. If you feel like you unfit and you don't want the child, there's places to take it. I was thinking Crystal was speaking on like don't ever have an abortion, but we would never tell any person what right they have with their body, right, right, right. So I just wanted to stop and clarify that. It was like I thought that's what you were saying, but then I had to remember that I got to speak, crystal, then I had to remember that.
Speaker 3:I got to speak. Crystal, yeah, and I'm like crystal would never say that so I wanted to clarify for the people because I paused on the situation. However, I wanted to speak to supporters, who get the 16-year-old girl that comes to them and says, hey, I'm pregnant. I feel like you have to be careful on how you handle that situation and remember that if they're telling you and not your parent or not their parents, there's a reason and to just be careful about how you handle that information, because where sometimes the right thing to do is to go to their parents.
Speaker 3:I've seen a lot of situations and heard and read of a lot of situations where it was the wrong thing to do. So I'm just saying you know, as a person who is asked to support somebody in a fucked up situation period, if they come to you and they ask you to be a confidant, be worthy of what they're asking you to do Right. Be that confidant of what they're asking you to do Right. Be that confidant. You know, if you determine that they're at risk and they need more help or they should seek more attention, do what you got to do Right. But, like, weigh the options. Maybe the parents aren't the best way to go, maybe their grandparents or aunts, uncle, cousin, you know, just somebody other than parents.
Speaker 2:I than parents. I've heard of and read of bad situations, so I'm just wanting to put that out there. The doctor that I actually had because he actually gave me medicine to stop throwing up, because him himself he didn't believe that I was pregnant I was standing at the window to check out and he comes around the corner and he picks up the medication. He says follow me. And I'm like okay, so I started following him as we're going. He picks up a box of me and I'm like okay, so I start following as we're going. He picks up a box of tissues and I'm like the hell. So we go into the room and he said um, he, he starts talking to me and he's like you're pregnant. And I'm like there's no way I can be. And he's like well, you are. And he's like and I start crying, and the doctor's like there's different methods of what you could do adoption and stuff like that. And I was like no, no, no.
Speaker 2:But I kept saying my mom just had a baby, my mom just had a baby, and I think that that was the reaction. But when I had went left the hospital, I had seen my mom and she's like why are you crying? And I told my mom I had a heart murmur. And I told her I had a heart murmur. What made you think of heart murmur?
Speaker 3:I have no clue, okay.
Speaker 2:I told her I had a heart murmur and she had called the doctor's office. And she's like my daughter just came here hysterically and she said she has heart murmur. How serious is this? And the doctor said it's not that serious, she's probably just overreacting. So they never told my mom. I don't think well.
Speaker 3:I feel like they could have. I don't think they can. Well, I don't know, at that time, you being underage.
Speaker 2:No, I think that it's a law that, unless you, yes. Okay okay, unless it's like it's something because of what you had stated. I mean, some people do Some doctors. I think they coach you into how to tell your parents Right. But I remember that and I was just like, oh my God.
Speaker 3:I grew up with a girl who she had told somebody. Actually, she told the teacher Don't tell your teacher, I'm just playing. If that's who you trust, tell them. But she had told the teacher and the teacher told her parents. When she went home, my mom beat her and she lost the baby. Yeah, so I was like so that's the reason why I said that message is like sometimes it's not like, don't be so quick to be like, oh, your parents need to know because we need to find out why they're trusting in you. And I think that goes with anything you know we're talking about pregnancy but it goes with people wanting to hurt themselves and or people, just anything. I mean just being depressed. Yeah, it's like if they come to you about it, they coming to you you know what I'm saying it's like chill the hell out.
Speaker 2:You know, there's ways to go about things.
Speaker 3:I think that don't be a Rebecca, I mean a Karen.
Speaker 2:I think that there's different ways you have to figure out the reason on why these people don't want, and that's what I was saying.
Speaker 3:Don't be so quick to react, because there's a reason.
Speaker 2:I mean that one girl, she had gave birth in the hospital and she still swore up and down that she never had sex. And they're like you did, you just gave birth. But the mom the whole entire time was like bickering at her, like I told you, this could happen and stuff like that. And I think that's what it is. Parents parents, of course, want the best for their children, right, but make it okay that they're talking to you, right, that, don't make them scared, right? You know? I mean that's why I tell my kids, if you tell me, I would never be disappointed in them. I'd be disappointed if they don't tell me, right, right, like I don't want them to. You know, with Anthony, he had a baby. He came right and told me if that was me, like you know, and he was not scared to tell me that he was about to have a baby.
Speaker 3:You raise really great kids, so you know you got it right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you should write a handbook, right? Yeah, I should write a handbook. No, I do. I believe that you should allow your kids to speak right their mind or how they feel. Talk to them, because you never know what they're going through. Maybe if my mom or my dad had cared enough to ask questions right, they would have known how can a parent see? Their child every day and not know anything. Right, you know like.
Speaker 3:Because they don't see you.
Speaker 2:Right, they were so focused on them. They were so focused on that beer bottle. They were so focused on, you know, me making sure that my brother wasn't crying and having to drive him around so he would stop crying. You know what, though?
Speaker 3:I guess to give, like some of our parents, some credit. Parents have it tough. Yeah, it's a tough job, like it's an effort. Like Crystal right now feels like she's sacrificing time with her kid, like y'all is lucky that she believe in y'all healing, because she's like I'm sacrificing time with my kids when I can be with my kids right now. But no, you know, I think about like the moms that work two jobs. There's 17 hours a day when you got time to raise kids.
Speaker 2:It's tough. I watched my sister my sister's a single mom and I always told her, like I look up to her because she does it without like not saying it's easy, because you know she has it tough saying that it's easy because you know she has it tough. She has four boys but, um, the shit that she has to do and I don't know if her kids really appreciate her right now.
Speaker 3:They won't when they get older.
Speaker 2:Damn, mom didn't go without this for that.
Speaker 3:The sad part is and just being honest, and you know I'm honest that it is causing trauma, like she is causing some trauma because she's probably not as around as she's not as around as around. Damn, it's such a hard. She's not around as much as they need her to be, so the sad part is that she is causing trauma, but the reality is there's nothing she can do about it, because it's either caused trauma or they are faced with other trauma.
Speaker 2:I think you also have to.
Speaker 3:I think that's why people hate. Sorry, but I think that's why kids end up hating their parents sometimes.
Speaker 2:Because they're not around. I feel like you were never there for me, dad, right, but that's something like for my son. You know he's going away, he's not going to be there for a whole year for you know, with the baby. But I think, like as a kid grows up, you have to explain to them why and give the reason of the good on why. And half of these moms and dads bash each other so much. I can get in a whole different thing of what my brother Matthew. All he heard was negativity from his baby's moms Like you were a piece of shit. You were this. Heard it from my dad. You were a piece of shit. You know you're going to be nothing. Where he ended up turning to pills.
Speaker 3:He turned into what they said he was going to be.
Speaker 2:Right. And now you know, oh, you never did nothing for your kids. Look at her now. Like he must have did something. Because now you're like, oh, I have nobody. Like, no, and then she wants money from everybody else. Like, oh well, you think that, since the situation we're in, you would be handing me money? You knew who you were laying with. Like you know, I love my nephews and niece. But at the end of the day, like you had them, right you?
Speaker 2:know Like know, they're your responsibility but you caused some of his issues to make. Not, my brother had his. You know, he's his own person. He could have not did it, but when somebody's told something so many times, I think that they do believe. They believe that. They believe they're gonna be a nobody. They believe that, that they believe they're going to be a nobody. They believe that that's also I'm busy too. That's what I'm busy. We were talking about that. Oh, they're so busy too, you know what you just got so much out of her.
Speaker 3:You're just repeating the whole episode. Just go back and watch the episode of these Fucking Feelings podcast with Busy Gold, episode 321. I'm telling you, we'll see, but you know what it's like. I don't know, I used to be the most fucked up person ever and it's like it's probably hard for you to believe that and it's probably not hard for some people to believe Rebecca, rebecca, but the reality is like I used to be and I and I grew up so much from that and we always joking about it and I forgot my point. Oh, okay, I'm back to it. It's like, yeah, I had a reason to be everything that I was. If you, if you look at my life on paper and then you look at me, you'd be like, damn, you made it bitch. You know what I'm saying. But, um, but I had to want that and your brother has to want that too. You know, um, and unfortunately, he is.
Speaker 2:he probably wants that, but he can't. He probably wants that, but he can't, like he can't know that he wants that now, if that makes sense, because he's in a coma.
Speaker 3:Right, you got to bring that up.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm saying like you know. That just shows you, though, of how much trauma that has caused him, where you know he needed it so much and he was trying to get better, right, I mean it's true they say addiction, but really it's an illness.
Speaker 3:It's a sickness, you know it's like, it's really, you know it's like. I mean, it's fucked up, there's so many, there's so many sicknesses or ailments, and I think that's one of the reasons why people hate me so much, because it's like they say I give excuses to everybody and give a pass to everybody. But it's not that it's a pass, it's just that you don't know what they're going through.
Speaker 2:You don't know what hurts people.
Speaker 3:You don't know what is hurting them, you know, and it's like who am I? If there is a God, I'm not him, so I'm not here to judge you. Now, do I judge? Yes, of course I'm human, you know. But you know, at the end of the day, you know, if you have a choice, you have to want to be the one to change. I changed a lot, you know, and it's like I've grown so much and it's like in that, you know, just knowing like who I was because of the trauma and the trauma I went through, right, you know, I know there are past loves. There are like a whole many, a lot of past loves that I hurt. I ain't been with that many people in my life but I hurt so many people, like 400. Okay, they was just all my past loves, I hurt them all and really it was like four.
Speaker 2:But we know what you mean, we just added them to yours.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I was just trying to be a playboy or whatever, I don't know. Sometimes I look at me and I'm like you should have had more sex. Okay, like that's where you fucked up my life, but you know where you went wrong.
Speaker 2:You said wrong, you said no. I think that's my issue. If I would have just done it more, maybe I would have got some of this trauma, not that I mean don't say now enough.
Speaker 3:Now my issues.
Speaker 3:I don't say, but I still say it the sex. So maybe I'm gonna switch it. So if you want to have sex, no, um, call me ass, right? I mean, I have some requirements. So not everybody fits the scale. And don't be getting mad at me because everybody got a taste. Okay, if you're out here just fucking people to fuck people, then I don't know what you're doing, but you should tell me and give me some advice. She was like I know people listen to this episode like this episode is crazy, but it's cool. We're going to air this because this is what life is about. It's crazy. And I forgot that your brother was in a coma, so excuse me for judging him a little bit. I told y'all I judge, but I was like because he could go on and change. Of course he's looking at me like you, dumb motherfucker.
Speaker 2:He would, and I do believe people can change. I know people that. I know people can change too. If you want to change, you will change I wanted to heal.
Speaker 3:I didn't want to be mad, no more. I was so tired of being sad and depressed and playing the same thing over and over in my head. I couldn't let people in, I couldn't allow myself to get close to people, I couldn't have friends and everybody with some shit.
Speaker 3:The world stinks. I think it was more of you felt like everybody was against you, not so much against me, but kind of like I felt like everybody was out to get me, like everybody wanted something from me. So I couldn't let nobody want nothing from me because so much had been taken from me. I was just so tired of giving shit, right, yeah, so I was like, but I mean, life sucked. Yeah, my first 40 years of living was some shit, like this life was stupid, like I knew that I was loved. I had really great parents Right, you know, and I know, not everybody is given that luxury but though I had great parents, I had a fucked up life.
Speaker 2:It's one or the other, she's like bitch.
Speaker 3:You can't have both you asking for too much. You want great parents and a good life. You is tripping. Things don't happen for a reason bitch Exactly.
Speaker 3:But no, I had great parents and I was still traumatized. I always say my tormentors or my dementors, like in Harry Potter, I had some dementors. They sucked the soul out of me. So by the time I was 18, I'm going to say I probably was like 15 when I started praying for death and I think that was the reason why I stopped believing in God, because I'm like bitch, you do not answer prayers. Because I woke up today.
Speaker 2:It's not funny.
Speaker 3:It's not funny, but for real. That's how I felt. I used to pray for death and it was like God do not answer prayers. And then people will come around and they'll be like oh, you meant for something and I'm like bitch, you're putting it in my ass. No, I'm. You meant for something and I'm like bitch he putting it in my ass. No, I'm not meant for that.
Speaker 2:You know Exactly Like I don't want that. Okay, Well, you came from a religious household, right?
Speaker 3:Well, my mom. So it's crazy. So my mom isn't overly religious but she believes in God. Like my mom is a Like, but she doesn't go to church and she probably never read the Bible.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I mean, I think that if there is somebody up there, you don't have to go to church too.
Speaker 3:And that's what she believes. You know she's like on that kind of time, but I think like she wanted to teach us differently than what she was taught.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And she thought like religion was good for us. And so, like my brother Brian I talk about him all the time. That rhymes oh shit, I'm a rapper, but, um, you know he is in, he's more spiritual than religious, but I see how, like that saved him. You know what I'm saying. Like I see where he need a god child, you need a god. Because he got a temper and he like to hit people and I like his wife and stuff, like he was a dude, yeah, like punching trees and shit, like you know like, and then the tree be hurt, like.
Speaker 3:So like hope cogan, not hope cogan, what's the other one? The green guy, hulk? Yeah, the Incredible Hulk. Or Hulk Hogan, fuck it, y'all know who that is. But you know, like spiritually, work for him. But like I went through so much pain and then it was like I didn't have a way to escape because everybody took that away from me, right, so I used to pray for death, you know what I'm saying and it was like whatever. And then it's like it's funny, I have one brother and he'd be like you're doing real good. You better thank God, or he's going to take it all away. And it's like why that got to be the message, why that's the thing you want to say. So it's just crazy, like all these beliefs and it's like all conflicting, and I go through all this trauma because it's like I hate saying I don't believe in God.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:But it's kind of true.
Speaker 2:I think it's because one, as a younger kid, like you, prayed for something and you didn't get it Right, but definitely it wasn't your time to go, because you didn't meet me yet. So now I can go? No, because now I need you. But me, my dad, you know, he went to church when he was younger and growing up we didn't go to church. I can actually remember a time I we lived across the street from a church. I was just wanting to see what's in it. I thought it was beautiful. I always thought the windows and all that and glass.
Speaker 3:But my father had Jesus carrying his cross. It's so beautiful.
Speaker 2:But my father not my mother always used to say the priest was a bad person and I had went in there and I had no clothes. They had the little holy water and I would go and touch it and I would do it, act like I knew what I was talking about. And he caught me in there and he threw my shoes up on top of the church. She's like they still there today. They probably are. Well, I never went in that building again.
Speaker 3:That's crazy. But you know what now? But what if he was molested?
Speaker 2:My dad, I mean.
Speaker 3:Not only because he was telling you priests are bad guys, because he got so mad about you in church, like what if priest did something? And I say molested only because it's a stereotype, right. So there I go stereotyping. But what if it's true?
Speaker 2:I mean, yeah, I mean, I never really actually thought about that and I do hear, like usually when people are because family get that mad.
Speaker 3:They're like you, about to walk home barefooted oh my God, I had no shoes and to tell you that priests were bad men and those kind of things, like they had to do something. I was never molested by a priest, but I had a bad church experience too. So, like when you're Catholic and I don't know how it works right, I might be wrong. So if I say this wrong, I don't excuse me. You know he's only saying what he knows Right, so like. But in order to do communion you have to do like confirmation or you have to do communion confirmation. I don't know Either which way you got to take classes. Moral of the story you got to take some classes to do communion, right.
Speaker 3:And the way the church we used to go to was set up in like two different classes, like the younger kids and the older kids, right. So I had just started and I don't remember what my question was. I just remember the anger that I received from the teacher and then she kicked me out of class and I'm like, damn, I thought that was a good question, like I. It was, you know, but it tainted me so bad, you know it must have contradicted something she was teaching Right, and I was like for you to be that angry about something. You know, it's like people only get angry when they're defensive, right? And why are you being defensive about the truth? If that's what you're teaching Right, you know? So then you're not teaching me the truth because I'm questioning it. So that kind of tainted me at like five, six years old yeah, you know what I'm saying. So it was like you know, that's my biggest memory of church Right Was being kicked out because Because, you asked a question, you know, and I was one of the kings man.
Speaker 3:I was a cute little kings man, you know what I'm saying, and I actually talked my way into the show. My brother was so mad because he was the wise man, oh my God. But I ended up being one of the shepherds Some shit girl. I think I had to go with something, I don't know. But but anyway, we got all kinds of topics and we got to know Crystal a little more today and we're going to air this the way it is, because that's what we do. But thank you guys for listening. We hope that we play this and you come back. Y'all know I did what I always do. I cut Crystal off from saying stuff. It's just because I had so many questions. I know I got questions. Well, I, because I had so many questions, I know I got questions.
Speaker 2:Well, I usually don't talk about myself.
Speaker 3:I know it's so hard to get anything out of her.
Speaker 2:So I had questions.
Speaker 3:Because I cry ugly. So that's why and I got it If you want to see Crystal cry ugly, I started a GoFundMe. All funds go to you. Send a dollar to the Cash App, right, and if I get $1,000, then I will release the Crystal Client ugly footage. You know what I'm saying. Now we will take that $1,000 and donate it to the no Shoe Foundation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my shoes got taken. That was traumatizing, no.
Speaker 3:All the stuff that's going to mend through and the shoes was traumatizing stuff. No, you definitely, to know who you are now will be not to believe your past, because you're such an amazing person and you know how I feel about you and I love you and I'm glad that you're here to teach the lessons that you're teaching. Thank you for opening up today. You're welcome.
Speaker 3:Remember, if you're out there and you're just in any kind of tough situation, there is a safe person for you to talk to 911. You know, it sounds stupid. It may not be an emergency. They got a non-emergency line. Like these people, I hope they will help you get this. You can, you know.
Speaker 3:Look, it's like you want to say they would, but then it's like I don't want to speak for now on. Please call back now. You're about to cut me off. I'm about to get fined by the fcc, like you keep sending people to 911, but you know 988 is the national suicide hotline. All seriousness, you can always do that, but anyway, I know there's somebody in your life that you trust and if there is nobody in your life that you trust, we need to work on your life. No, because there should be somebody. We all go through fucked up situations. Yours is no more greater or less than mine and Crystal's. We believe that you need to heal from it and in order to heal from it, you have to confront it, talk about it, live through it, don't go around it. Let's heal people. Crystal, any last minute for the, any last words.
Speaker 3:Keep her listening to me, even though Micah kept talking, and everything and anything that we said in this episode is not meant to be offensive Look in the real world. Not to be offensive At all. This is just our personal opinions. We're not bad people, even though some people say we might and we might lose a couple of listeners. But if you go, then you need it to go. All right, peace, love and blessings. Bye.
Speaker 1:And that brings us to the end of yet another insightful episode of Trauma is Expensive, of yet another insightful episode of Trauma is Expensive. I'm signing off on behalf of your host, micah Bravery, reminding all you brave souls to continue counting the cost and making the change. Don't forget to visit wwwtraumasexpensivecom, a dynamic space for understanding, healing and transformation, where we fuel the journey to turn pain into progress. Until we meet again, stay resilient, stay empowered and remember the mantra count the cost and make the change. Thank you for being part of the conversation. We bid you farewell until next time.