Whispers of Resilience in the Voyage Toward Wholeness

Embark with me, Micah Bravery, as we navigate the raw and often unspoken terrains of trauma, healing, and the pursuit of self-discovery. My weekend, charged with the weight of chemotherapy and a travel schedule, left me drained yet enlightened, especially as I connected deeply with 'Pose' and Angelica Ross's portrayal of Candy. This episode isn't just about the fatigue that follows such trials; it's a candid reflection on my own ignorance and the ongoing battle with personal traumas. From the lingering shadows of sexual assault to the complexity of seeking safety in public spaces, I lay bare my story in hopes to empower survivors and shine a light on how trauma intertwines with learning and growth.

As your companion on this journey, I share the continuous effort to heal and become the person I aspire to be. Discomfort around men, a reflection of past traumas, has shaped my interactions in profound ways, leading to periods of celibacy and experiences that underscore the importance of consent and self-care. This conversation stretches beyond individual stories, probing into the universal search for empathy, understanding, and ultimately, happiness. I leave you with a powerful mantra: "Count the cost and make the change," urging resilience in facing our pain and using it as a catalyst for progress. Join us for a session filled with raw emotion and potent insights, and remember, every step toward healing is a stride toward empowerment.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello there, brave souls, welcome to Trauma is Expensive, with your host, micah Bravery. Here we don't just talk about trauma, we count the cost and we make the change. With every episode, we dive deep into the heart of trauma, its implications and the resilient transformations it can ignite, through conversations, insights, real stories and unflinching honesty. This podcast is here to empower every survivor to turn their pain into progress. So let's take a journey together as we understand, confront and finally heal. Welcome to wwwtraumaisexpensivecom, your platform for change. Now let's get started.

Speaker 2: 0:52

What is up people? Welcome to. An episode of Trauma is Expensive. I am your host, micah Bravery. We weren't going to have an episode today so unfortunately I am alone and that is because I am laid in my bed exhausted. Do you hear me when I tell you I am tired? I am tired.

Speaker 2: 1:14

I had a very interesting weekend. It involved a lot of traveling and not just flying, a lot of driving as well, but there were good moments, there were sad moments and there were some incredible moments. So it was overall an interesting weekend. But due to that, I am actively on chemo and taking chemotherapy, so my body was a little messed up this morning when I woke up so I had to take a sick day, but you know it was worth it. So, no, I don't know, whatever the saying is put in, look, fill in the blank. The reason I am recording is because I will never not take a moment, no matter how tired I am, not to grow, and I say that to say that on the airplane I was watching Pose and I got to the episode where Candy was killed at her funeral and she was singing, and I always think about the reason why I started listening to that song. Again. Of course, I heard it when I was younger, but now I listen to it a lot. It was because of that performance there.

Speaker 2: 2:35

Well, I recently started following the actress Angelica Ross, and I even extended the invitation to come and be a guest on these fucking feelings podcast. No, she hasn't accepted yet, but trust, this is not a plea and I'm going to explain so because I've been following her and I am a fan. I actually pay attention to her reals and posts that she makes on Instagram. That's the only place I follow her and you know, you can tell clearly she's an advocate. She's very rooted in a belief system that is both intelligent and emotional, and it made me realize that I probably couldn't have a conversation with her because I am so ignorant to a lot of the things that have happened in this world and if it wasn't talked to me, I don't know. So I guess that is the paradox of my life, right, I know a lot of things because I taught myself, but there are a lot of things that I don't know because people didn't teach me, right, and the injustices of the world other than the ones that I were going through or I was going through, I never really had a feeling about it. I mean, it just wasn't on my list of things to worry about in life. So when I say that, I say that I grew up and probably my first memory is of being molested, and that happened probably about 12 years of my life.

Speaker 2: 4:30

Finally, I made the boat move at 17 and I told my parents like I want to move to New York City and I did and I got to experience some of the gay culture or LGBTQIA culture and it was like such a revelation when I watched polls to realize the struggles that happened and went on at that place that now I hung out at and like had fun. So I think when I started going to the peers there was like two of them left, but we always there was people out there, it was music and it was fun. And you know, it was like if you were too young to go to a club but you wanted to meet up with your community. You went down to Grispritz Street and the peers and when I watch polls I'm like this is like the generation right before me. How could I not know that this stuff was happening? So that was one of the reason why I like it so much is because it taught me a lot just about my culture and it was like things I need to know, cool, so I'm willing to learn, right. But I start to think now that you know I'm not ignorant because I chose to be ignorant or I choose to. I'm ignorant to a lot of things because that's what trauma allowed me to be. So, you know, I grew up in the Bronx and we lived in a five story building and my mom was a super and I probably was sexually assaulted by 75% of the men in that building. People were like, oh, he's exaggerating Trust, I do not want those numbers to be higher. Okay, it is the truth. It was an incredible, horrible experience to go through, but now, as an adult, I do things because of that trauma there is. I promise you guys, at the end of this rant it should make sense, okay.

Speaker 2: 7:00

So this weekend in my travels I went into a stall to pee and it was funny because I was coming out of the stall. The guy was like, well, you can just pee that ear. No, I guess he needed to take a number two or whatever and I must be using his stall. But it caused me to think about why I use a stall and it all goes back to I don't like to be in vulnerable situations when I am dealing with my private area, so I have to know that I'm safe. So I have to be in a stall and the door has to be locked. I also have to know how many people are in the bathroom, oh yeah, like, or how many people are in there when I get there and then I count as they come in and go out. It's weird, but I always go into a stall and close the store and it has to do the stall.

Speaker 2: 7:53

Sorry, it has to do with my safety, and I was assaulted by people who told me that they would kill my mom. Like I said, she was the super of the building, so it was like a weird family environment where people always found opportunity to do the two bad things to me and it's caused me now to have, like, major issues. You know I'm in my 40s or whatever, but I still don't like random touches and closeness from men. You know I don't like you to invade my space. I don't want to invade your space either. Leave me alone. I leave you alone, which is weird, right, cause I'm gay, but I guess that's why I'm single too.

Speaker 2: 8:41

But once again I said I'm healing, right, but you know, I lived so long in my life, so much of my life, doing what I thought I needed to do to protect my family, and a lot of times it was painful and it was hurtful and it was at the expense of my innocence and sometimes my humanity. And that was my world. That is all I knew. That is all I know. So there's a lot of things that go on now that I'm not passionate about or, but I'm not un-passionate about it. It's just that it's not part of my world because I still am in my flight or fight mode, because I said I'm healing, I ain't healed yet, you know.

Speaker 2: 9:34

And so there's still a level of control that I must have in my life, which is a little time to learn about what's going on between Israel and Palestine. I don't understand it. I don't know it. I haven't looked into it, but I know that it's horrible. I know that people are dying unnecessarily and I know that it hurts to go through TikTok and see kids dead or just in blood and looking for their parents. And I saw a video of a little girl saying like I'm just waiting to die any day now Like that's not a world we should be living in. But unfortunately, while I know that's crazy, the only thing that I can control right now is my world and I have to keep it safe, especially because I have custody of my mother and I have to make sure she's safe.

Speaker 2: 10:29

Also, now I don't say that to say that she's been sexually assaulted, that's not my place. Not saying that she has, don't jump to conclusions. What I'm saying is that she's part of my world, so she too must be protected. So I am still in that mode where I haven't completely learned to trust men, which is hard when you're gay and, like, officially allergic to buzzy. So sorry, didn't mean to be that vulgar, but it's the truth. It's the truth. Yeah, it's not the easiest life, but I'm healing.

Speaker 2: 11:07

So I say that to say that you know. It's like you don't know the person that you are. I guess it's true. You don't know who you are until you know where you came from, right. So I feel like that applies in trauma you don't understand who you are today without understanding the trauma you went through yesterday. And you know in this whole story and including Angelica Ross just another shout out it's just to watch her videos and I'm like, wow, she's so. You know she's advocating for voting and making sure that we don't get Donald Trump's ass back in this White House, right? I don't know why that's a bad thing, right, because I don't pay attention. I just know that it's a bad thing. So what I'm saying is that I see her and I see her out there really really fight in and educating people and even educating me, but I'm not there for that yet.

Speaker 2: 12:09

Now I do have a podcast these fucking feelings podcast brand new episodes. Every Wednesday we bring on guests who have been through the trenches and are thriving. Now you know. So I am doing my part, or what I know. I know and I know healing because I've been doing it for the last several years, and the person I am today is, nowhere in the year, the asshole I was yesterday, right? So the only thing that I really feel like I can do for this world is to be the best version of me that I can be at that time to whoever I am dealing with it, and I strive always to be the best person, or I'm going to say I said that part already, but I strive always to be better than I was yesterday.

Speaker 2: 12:56

But I also know that I am still on a healing journey and there are things that are still going to make me uncomfortable and until I deal with them, I'm just going to be living an uncomfortable life, or maybe an untrue life, because maybe until I get over my issue with men that I won't meet the love of my life right. So it was like duh. That makes sense. But and I say that I have a barber for the first time in my life I have a male barber and it is for me the most uncomfortable situation ever. I mean like I'm sweating, my stomach hurts, like I know he's not done. I just want his ass to be done already. Like it's not freaking, touching me. And then it's like it's so awkward because now you're looking at my face and which means I'm looking at your face and I'm gonna close my eyes. But are you gonna try to guess why I'm closing my eyes? Is it weird to close your eyes? What are most people do that just look you in your damn face while you're shaving them.

Speaker 2: 13:56

Like it's a lot of like trauma and anxiety that builds up in me and it's just because I don't like men. I know, don't touch me. I mean, I don't need to like the men I do know to touch me. I just don't want to be touched right Like consent, please get consent. But I also know that that is the reason why I've been celibate for five years.

Speaker 2: 14:20

And, yes, I do crave intimacy. Yes, I want to be with somebody. Yes, I want to be held, but it's been hard finding the special person to do that, because I don't trust men. They just cry me and fucked up. And I ain't saying all of them, and I'm saying this as a man, but men have did a lot of wrong things to me and I just wanted to. A lot, you know, and it was by people of my community, you know. So, yeah, I spent a lot of my energy in protecting and trying to make sure that my world was protected. But it took a lot of sacrificing innocence, peace, joy, happiness, contentment, a self-esteem, self-love. It took all those things away from me and now that I'm getting it back, people want to say I'm bougie. No, I'm just learning how to love me. Okay, I'm part of that. It's taking care of myself.

Speaker 2: 15:20

So you know, the moral of the story in this is that we don't know the world the person next to you is living in, even if they are the person that lives next to you, because everybody's world is different. And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, living on, say world, yada, yada, yada. It's like you know what I'm saying Don't be smart. It's not time to be smart, it's time to learn the lesson, right? Because this is the one lesson that I could teach you, because I'm learning it now. I'm learning that my whole life maybe we'll just call that my life is not your life, so we can both struggle and go exist, and maybe I can teach you about my struggle and you can teach me about yours, and we can have more empathy for each other. But Don't be mad at me for living my life when all I learned to do was fight, you know. So I was always at war in my life and in my world that it didn't take a lot of time.

Speaker 2: 16:29

For what's going out there in the world today and in a sad I mean I don't know who should be president. I kind of really don't care. I'm like it. We don't really get the vote anyways. That stupid ass electrical Electro whatever you know, I'm talking about the electrical elect Damn. There you go. Now's the time for dyslexia to kick in. It's a college people. You know what I'm talking about. So I'm just saying you know the purpose of this show. I know that this episode is crazy I think all of our episodes have been crazy and it's like maybe I shouldn't start this yet, but I feel like it's such an important message.

Speaker 2: 17:08

Trauma is expensive. The things that you have been through, if you haven't properly dealt with them, are costing you something in your life. Maybe if I didn't spend so much time trying to avoid awkward situations it's like I calculate when people go to the bathroom, so that way there's never a time that I'm in the bathroom with someone else Because this bathroom is small, is small, a small just stall in the urinal and then the urinal got a big crack, the door got a big crack in it and I just don't want to be in there when no one else in there, right? So that is my trauma and I'm dealing with it, and it's funny into this moment I thought that I had dealt with it, but I was like that is still affecting me, is still deeper than I thought, and so I need to dig deeper, and you should too.

Speaker 2: 17:53

I Believe, and that is the reason why I am out here talking yada-deaf is because I believe the happiness can exist in this lifetime. I feel like you're supposed to be happy in this lifetime. I feel like your creator whoever you believe that is wanted you to be happy in this lifetime. Anything other than that is cruel. So I'm not telling no one how to believe or what to believe, please. I respect all religions or Believe systems.

Speaker 2: 18:29

I Am still in the middle of my search, but I know that my God does not want me to be unhappy. He wants me to have a happy life. In order to do that, I have to erase all of my pain, and I think that it can be erased. You know, it's like how people say, oh, leaves a scar, but this plastic surgery for that. So you know, but if you don't deal with it internally, you're always gonna have that external scar. So we can get the plastic surgery, but after you deal with the problem. So let's erase our scars, deal with our trauma and just be a better person Than the person you were yesterday. I am Michael bravery, peace, love and blessings.

Speaker 1: 19:18

And that brings us to the end of yet another insightful episode of trauma is expensive. I'm signing off on behalf of your host, micah bravery, reminding all you brave souls to continue counting the cost and making the change. Don't forget to visit wwwtraumaisexpensivecom, a dynamic space for understanding, healing and transformation, where we fuel the journey to turn pain into progress. Until we meet again, stay resilient, stay empowered and remember the mantra Count the cost and make the change. Thank you for being part of the conversation. We bid you farewell until next time you.